2 am with pointless thoughts

So death? Am I right? Here is what I cannot wrap my mind around: we cannot die.  There is a point, like that baseball never getting to home base, where you simply cease to be you. That point in time has to happen. Whatever makes you you ceases to be, disappearing like so much dust in the wind. Yes I went there, but it's a nice phrase. Then whatever is left stops functioning long after you stopped being you. So you cannot die. You exist forever in god's thoughts. Yeah, I really need to sleep. Love for some philosophical input, but nobody reads my ramblings which is probably for the best. Take care.

Survived

the nights of thanksgiving and the next were absolute misery. My body was hurt, I could taste that awful cooper taste of blood, and my gut felt like it was rusting. That Wednesday has been better. I really have not had a bad body experience since then, although my work can be insanley stressful. My night supervisor is not afraid to help us get the work done.  She is a force of nature. I am just going to keep on going .  I have too. 

Not sure how much I can take

I got full time little over a month ago with a new shift. They told me it was going to be hard, but this isn't anything I can't handle. I have had bad days, impossible days, but I got it done. My body, however, is not handling the stress very well, even on good days. Going to work my nerves tense up.  During work my gut and back, usually my neck, betray me. I walk around worried I might pass out.  My sleep is worse then usual, which is saying something. Tonight my head hurt so bad I was seriously considering going to the ER.  I can do the damn job, I know I can do it, but why does my body insist on heeding my subconscious? I have to figure out how to relax in my confidence. I have to figure this out. 

Things to do

List of Stuff to do this year in order of importance:

Marry my girl April on May 26^th

Go on Honeymoon to ye Old Quebec!

Go to Boston on for Hockey trip with Devon and the Bulldogs

Read entire Wheel of Time Series

Go See:

Batman

The Avengers

Spider-man

Brave

Prometheus

The Hobbit

Get to level 60 in Castle Empire

Clean Study,Organize study.

Teach Devon How to Juggle

Start writing my book

Get accepted for the Social worker Course at Saint Tomas University.

February 2012

February 2012

This is going to be a busy year. First and foremost I am marrying the girl of my dreams, the one that I have been waiting all my life for. She makes me laugh, she challenges me, and she loves me. I love her with all my heart. The date is set for May 26^th, a few days after she turns 40 and a few days before I turn 41.  

But before that we have a Boston trip to go to. Yep, another trip to Boston for the Stanley Bulldogs. I don’t know how their coach does it. This time we are going to win this tournament.

Then in June we have Jessie’s Graduation from High school, which is going to be a big family get together.  

On top of all that you have the trivial but fun entertainment. So many movie to see. The Avengers, Batman, Spider-man, Brave, Prometheus, and The Hunger games to name a few. The last book of the Wheel of time series is coming out January 8^th of next year, and I intend to read all 13 books leading up to its release. As well, my favorite band TOOL is releasing their next CD sometime this year.

Coming home from Boston.

Wow, I cannot believe it has been this long since my last post.  Things happen.  Went on a hockey trip to Boston, in early March, which was fantastic.  My fiancée’s youngest fellow’s team, the Stanley Bulldogs, was the only team there from Canada I think.   They almost made it to the finals.   This was one trip I could not wait to tell my grandfather.  My Grandfather was the type that detested nattering but was genuinely interested if you actually had something to say.  The kids and the parents were all crowded on this bus, the kids sitting in the back. This gave April and I a good chance to get to know the other parents better.  We watched numerous kids’ movies on small overhead TVs numerous times. The Bus Driver was great, and every time I got on the bus I noticed he had a pa system which he did not use much, except when we got to Boston and after we crossed the border.   Before Boston the biggest city I had ever seen was Halifax.  It was a little depressing to see the snow get less and less the further south we drove. Their last game could have gone either way, but even though we were upset that they lost, the families were more than ready to go home.   We brought out lap top to stay in touch with everyone, but the cord was broken and the lap did the whole blue screen of death thing which far beyond my computer resurrection skills.  This happened that Saturday I think.  So this meant no contact with the folks back home, and no updates.  I turned off my cell phone to avoid paying for long distance calls.

                We left quickly after they lost the first game in the morning. A snow storm warning was our welcome back to Canada.  The Storm grew worse as we were nearing the border, and the driving was slow.  After we crossed the border the driver picked up the PA mike to thank everyone for being great passengers and also thank the kids in particular for some great games he watched.   I decided to turn my cell phone back once we were back in the homeland.  My phone went nuts buzzing non-stop, which was very unnerving, the device doesn’t do that much.  The same messages over and over, “Phone home”, “Phone home.”   Then it rang before I had a chance to phone.

                The Driver meanwhile was telling stories and jokes to his passengers, and he seemed quite good at it.  I did not hear a word of what he was saying, but the laughter in the coach was loud, and everyone seemed to be enjoying his stories.

                I grabbed April’s hand as dad told me that my Grampy had a heart attack earlier that day, and he had died.   My body went numb, my heart and body sank,  I held tight to April, and the laughter continued all around me from young and old alike blissfully obviously  oblivious to my sudden distraught condition.  I hung up, and told April what had just happened.  The Drive home became much longer.  My Boston trip would remain an untold story for a grandfather who loved a good story. 

Identity and Reality and other rambling

Identity and Reality.  Our Sense of Reality and identity are as permanent as waves on the ocean.  We think that our self identity is different from everyone else’s, as each wave is different from each other wave, but we all are just drops in the same ocean with brief delusions of being waves before breaking onto the beach.  Our problem is that we need an identity to anchor us into some figment of our reality.  I am a longhaired jobless computer geek without a girlfriend.  Suddenly the computer is gone, or we get a girlfriend, and that identity dissipates.   We adapt.  We adapt to being fired and move on and learn to deal with a new identify.  Some people are so trapped in their self identify that they become lost when they are no longer who they once were.  This is why we should not encase ourselves in false shells of self-identification.  Just because you think you are the cool one, does not mean everyone else see you that way.  Just because you think you are a loser, does not mean everyone else sees you as one.  Just because. . .

                There is another problem with the inherent delusion of self identify.  We act the way we think we should in order to conform into behavior we think others see us as.  I am a good worker, so I should act like a good worker.  I should work hard, never be late, and help everyone.  Other people might see you as sucking up to the boss, trying to make others look bad, and you only help those you like.  Everyone has a different perspective of the person you are, shaped by their life experiences and own sense of identity.  There is not much you can do about the way others see you. First impressions can in prison you for better or worse.

We own four faces, the one we think we are, the one we want to be, the one others see us as, and our true face.  These four faces are in constant fluidity whether we realize or not.  I was a grandson with two fantastic loving grandmothers.  One lived down the road from me and I saw her often.  She helped make me the loving, funny, good man I try to be.   When she died that identity of loving grandson was destroyed and I was set adrift without one of my core identities.  As Hamlet said to be or not to be, that is the question. 

                If you want to be a good person, a healthy person, then be one.  Our identities are nothing more than actions, constantly changing actions.  Our repeated actions get us stuck in ruts so deep that they encase everything we are.  I am not a runner.  I cannot work out.  I am a good person so I can do no wrong.  I am a good student so I can never fail.  These ruts are real in the sense that if we repeatedly use the same neuron pathways every day, then we think a certain way, and it becomes a kin to obsessive-compulsive behaviour.  We have to force ourselves to think differently.     Of course, this is where the bullshit of the whole mid life crisis happens.  We should never allow ourselves to become so comfortable within the warm shell of who we think we that we are incapable of breaking out of it.  I am a loving boyfriend of a mother with three fantastic boys.  This is my identity right now, and I would not change it for anything, yet I try everyday to change that identity.  I try to be a better boyfriend.  I try to be a better role model.  More on this later.