Identity and Reality and other rambling

Identity and Reality.  Our Sense of Reality and identity are as permanent as waves on the ocean.  We think that our self identity is different from everyone else’s, as each wave is different from each other wave, but we all are just drops in the same ocean with brief delusions of being waves before breaking onto the beach.  Our problem is that we need an identity to anchor us into some figment of our reality.  I am a longhaired jobless computer geek without a girlfriend.  Suddenly the computer is gone, or we get a girlfriend, and that identity dissipates.   We adapt.  We adapt to being fired and move on and learn to deal with a new identify.  Some people are so trapped in their self identify that they become lost when they are no longer who they once were.  This is why we should not encase ourselves in false shells of self-identification.  Just because you think you are the cool one, does not mean everyone else see you that way.  Just because you think you are a loser, does not mean everyone else sees you as one.  Just because. . .

                There is another problem with the inherent delusion of self identify.  We act the way we think we should in order to conform into behavior we think others see us as.  I am a good worker, so I should act like a good worker.  I should work hard, never be late, and help everyone.  Other people might see you as sucking up to the boss, trying to make others look bad, and you only help those you like.  Everyone has a different perspective of the person you are, shaped by their life experiences and own sense of identity.  There is not much you can do about the way others see you. First impressions can in prison you for better or worse.

We own four faces, the one we think we are, the one we want to be, the one others see us as, and our true face.  These four faces are in constant fluidity whether we realize or not.  I was a grandson with two fantastic loving grandmothers.  One lived down the road from me and I saw her often.  She helped make me the loving, funny, good man I try to be.   When she died that identity of loving grandson was destroyed and I was set adrift without one of my core identities.  As Hamlet said to be or not to be, that is the question. 

                If you want to be a good person, a healthy person, then be one.  Our identities are nothing more than actions, constantly changing actions.  Our repeated actions get us stuck in ruts so deep that they encase everything we are.  I am not a runner.  I cannot work out.  I am a good person so I can do no wrong.  I am a good student so I can never fail.  These ruts are real in the sense that if we repeatedly use the same neuron pathways every day, then we think a certain way, and it becomes a kin to obsessive-compulsive behaviour.  We have to force ourselves to think differently.     Of course, this is where the bullshit of the whole mid life crisis happens.  We should never allow ourselves to become so comfortable within the warm shell of who we think we that we are incapable of breaking out of it.  I am a loving boyfriend of a mother with three fantastic boys.  This is my identity right now, and I would not change it for anything, yet I try everyday to change that identity.  I try to be a better boyfriend.  I try to be a better role model.  More on this later. 

The Potential for Postive outcomes in life.

How does the human brain work?  How would I know?  I know because I like to read a lot about how we work, since I am going to be in this body for the rest of this life.  We live in a world of infinite impossible possibilities.  I will be using Wikipedia to help refresh my memory.  “A neuron (pronounced /ˈnjʊərɒn/ N(Y)OOR-on, also known as a neurone or nerve cell) is an electrically excitable cell that processes and transmits information by electrical and chemical signalling.” That is from Wikipedia and it sounds about right.  So what excites the cells?  The senses are exciting.  Your standing on a beach, you can feel the hot soft sand squishing your toes as you look out at the storm moving towards you off the sea.  You can smell the salt sea air, and the storms negatively charged ions in the air.  Different parts of your brain are responding to all of this, even that exciting fear of the storm.  We use Ions in our brains too, they move from one cell to another depending on how charged they are.   One of the cool things about out brain is that each neuron has an action potential, meaning chance plays a role in weather we do or think something.  If we are scared then the neurons linked together for screaming will quickly flash like blinking Christmas lights.  You drank too much coffee, had watched a scary movie, and have a jerk at work who likes to scare you, and then there is a good chance you will scream.  However, if you have been yelled at for an hour, you are tired, and relaxed then the chance of that same person scaring you is decreased because you do not feel as if you are in any danger.  The neuron cascade will not light up.

                The brain is full of potential for something to happen, but we are the ones who can control the chance of something happening.  We Create our own reality.  Negative thoughts physically decrease our very chances of making positive changes in our lives.   Professional Athletes exercise their brains every day.  Take an exceptionally good tennis player.  Before the match, they practice physically until their multitude of strategic movements happen as quick as they breathe.  The cascades for these connections in the brain are like a trail in the forest that is always being used.  Athletes also mediate on games, going through winning games repeatedly in their heads.  This creates connections that are more positive.  As far as your brain is concerned, there is little difference in the chemical chain reactions between winning a game, meditating about winning a game, or even watching a winning game.  Of course, nobody is perfect, they might lose a set, but they do not dwell on the last shot, they mentally move on to winning the next one.   

                A person who wants to get a better job has to work hard on thinking about getting one.  Sounds like common sense, but you really have to think positive thoughts and increase the chances of the outcome happening.  Dreaming about a better job well watching television is not going to do it.  More on this later.

We all feel alone in the world

We all feel alone in the world.  Some of us can go through an entire day without talking to someone.  We all need that connection.  Hold up your hands beside each other.  Now point your index fingers towards the other one, and then touch them.  Your brain does this funny, interesting thing, one finger is you, and the other finger is the one you are touching, even though they are part of the same body.  When we see a person, we experience them in much the same way; they are an “other,” someone that feels separate from us.  However, just like your fingers other people are not really other people, we are all part of the same body, which is life.  We all need to feel that connection.  With Face book, we are able to make that connection by making comments, or simply poking, letting the other person know we are aware of their existence.  Face book, like it or not, has become a validation of our individual existence.  I write my status therefore I am.  Maybe that is why it has become so popular.

The Impossibility of Ever Reaching the Snooze Button

We should thing about the utter impossibility of reaching the snooze button.  I have one of that alarm clocks, which starts beeping ever so quietly and gets slightly louder with each beep.  Now, here is the thing that I do not get.; My brain hears the beeps and gets my hand to move ever so slowly, or fast depending on the dream, towards the heavenly snooze button, but how do I ever reach it?  This is why I hate math.       

                If the button is a meter away, then at some point in space my hand is going to have to get half way there, which is 30 centimeters.  Before it reaches that, it has to go 15 centimeters.  Before it reaches that point, it has to reach 7.5 centimeters.  Before that, it has to pass the 3.75 cm point.  Long before it reaches that, it has to reach the 1.87500 cm point.  A few more points in time later you are at 73.2421875 microns!  This goes on forever folks.  This is infinity.  This is why there is no reason why your hand should ever be able to reach the snooze button.  So maybe when you wake up, think of the impossibility of it, and stay in bed.  Then again, you have done one impossible thing before you even get out of bed, so once you get up you should be able to doing anything else you might consider impossible.

Story from my childhood with vulgar words and drinking

I was sixteen, still waiting for that growth spurt that would never come, long dried out  hair hanging down to my shoulders, jean vest  hanging over my leather coat, and ripped blue jeans staring out into the dark pitch black sea after midnight starting to sober up.   This was the last beach party at the cottage, early September, and I stood alone while the gang moved downwards to a spot where nobody minded “Pour Some Sugar On Me” Blaring from my monster ghetto blaster.  

                Perhaps your wondering why such a sweet guy like me was sulking by himself  I should tell you what happened before and then I will continue this strange tale.  This was not my best night.  I had my eye on Vicky. She was taller than me, cute, and sassy, and perhaps I had chance with her.   We sat around the bon fire talking, drinking, and telling stories.   We heard someone splashing in the water.

“Get out of the fucking water, man! It’s dangerous at high tide,” Yelled Jason.  He was one of the few sitting by himself. His girlfriend was back home.   He had that cool quiet cocky air about him.  The splashing stopped.

“We could always go skinny dipping, “suggested Vicky shyly.

“Fuck that.  I’m drunk.”  Anthony, who, with his long hair and goatee, reminded me of Jesus.  Ok, a very vulgar Jesus. He had his arms wrapped around Kim trying to keep her warm by feeling her up.  

“That water at night scares me,” Said Kim taking another drink of her beer.

“OK, “I said, “I’ll bite, why? ``

“Don’t get her started man,” Said Anthony, before grunting after getting a shove from Kim.

“Some girl went swimming by herself one night.  They found her body at the lower shore public beach the next day. “

“Bullshit,” Said Vicky nervously, looking at Jason.

“I bullshit you not,” said Kim. “It was in the paper a few years ago.

The smoke was starting to blow my way making my eyes water. 

“No need to get upset Danny, “Laughed Jason.

“Fuck you, “I Cried.

“That freaks me out.  I’m scared, `` Said Vicky moving away from the water nearer the rocks.

This was my chance. Wiping my eyes I moved to be closer to Vicky.  I was going to be her little comforting hero.  I picked up a blanket putting it around her.   She said nothing as I moved in closer.  “Danny, what the hell are you doing? I want Jason to come over here, not you.  Leave fast.” She whispered in my ear which felt numb like the rest of my body.  That is the oddest thing about one’s body and brain. When we feel stressed or in great danger, our body’s immediate reaction is to protect out vital organs so that out blood quickly moves away from the outer regions to the center.  This causes us to feel faint, and feel like we are falling.  I felt like I was falling off a cliff.  A bloodless mouth makes it quite dry. I just sat there trying to calm myself down.  At least the wind had once more shifted the smoke towards me.   I coughed, and then stood up.  

“Hey it getting late and we are below my grandparent’s cottage, how about we move down to the beach and turn up the tunes.  We can make another fire.”

“How about you go fuck yourself” Said Jason, “Just kidding.  There is nobody in my uncle’s cottage, how about we go there and get warm?”               

Everyone agreed. I told them that I would catch up after I told my grandparents where I was going.  This is about the part where we started.  My friend’s silhouettes drifted into the darkness leaving me alone to put out the fire.   I heard splashing in the water.  This scared the crap out of me.

“That’s not funny!” I yelled into the darkness.

“I am sorry for earlier, “came Vicky’s voice.  My night was starting to look up. Reader, no matter how bad your night is going you should never give up all hope.

“That’s ok.   I thought you were scared of the water”

“I was just trying to get that jerks attention.   He told me I should come back here to help you.   So here I am, did you want a hand”  

“Hell yeah,” I said taking off my clothes and getting into the water.  This time of the year was nice, the water was now warmer then the air, once you got yourself into it. The thoughts of a naked Vicky helped as well.   I could barely see her in the moonlight.  When I got close I could hear her giggles and she dived under the water.  She seemed to be under forever while I waited for her to give me a hand.  I heard this strange noise on the shore. I started to feel uneasy, and exposed.   Then I felt her tug on me, which felt good until the tug was so hard that I was being dragged under water.  Call me what you like, but I have a fear of drowning.  I tried to be manly and not scream, but she was playing games and pulling me under the water.  I panicked yelling, “stop that!”  I struggled free and started swimming to shore. “Let’s do this on the beach.” I said

“You fucking pussy” She said. But I didn’t care.  Then I remembered the stranger on shore.  Great they were going to see me coming on shore naked.  Hope it was not some drunk looking for a fight.  Actually, I would rather that, because it could be my grandfather which would be worse.   Ever been tackled in the water?  It’s not fun. We used to play Frisbee tag and tackled each other a lot.  Like football in slow-motion, followed by a period of not breathing.   She tackled me from behind giggling and tried to drag me under.   I felt another hand reach out for me, grab my hand and pull me to shore.

``What the hell are you doing Danny? `   Said Vicky taking me out of the water, ``Why would you try skinny dipping alone you idiot.  I felt bad about earlier so a came back to help you with the fire. `

I did not say a word as I stood shivering. All my blood was needed to just make sure my heart was beating.

pizza Storm

The Rain made almost horizontal by the wind fell in sheets, each drop a bucket of water on my leather coat.  I had managed to park close, but not close enough, to the Atlantic Superstore.  My girl had spent all day cooking at work, and just wanted to relax, and I had been relaxing my whole day off, so when she suggested I drive through the storm to pick up some pizza I was hardly in a position to refuse those emerald eyes, and angelic smile.  There was a line up of weary post-shoppers waiting for their rides to pull up.  See the Pizza had purchased was a n 18 inch in a white cardboard  box laying precariously on a short cart beneath bags of milk, cat food, paper towels, and instant coffee.  I did the only thing I could do, I ran in the rain getting as soaked as a teen singer in a bad music video.  I pushed the cart past ever growing puddles, past blinded cars trying to leave, and over speed bumps never meant for fast moving carts.  I wish I could say that I pulled out my car keys  to press the button to unlock the car before I got there.  Nope.  The worst part was standing there fumbling through all my pockets, like Tasslehoff Burrfoot, looking for keys. Meanwhile, wishing I had worn my rain coat, knowing nobody back home was particularly interested in 18 inches of cold soggy pizza, I was starting to think this might not be a good idea. Finally found the foolish keys and opened the car, shoved everything in side, and then ran to the other side to get drive away.