Identity and Reality and other rambling

Identity and Reality.  Our Sense of Reality and identity are as permanent as waves on the ocean.  We think that our self identity is different from everyone else’s, as each wave is different from each other wave, but we all are just drops in the same ocean with brief delusions of being waves before breaking onto the beach.  Our problem is that we need an identity to anchor us into some figment of our reality.  I am a longhaired jobless computer geek without a girlfriend.  Suddenly the computer is gone, or we get a girlfriend, and that identity dissipates.   We adapt.  We adapt to being fired and move on and learn to deal with a new identify.  Some people are so trapped in their self identify that they become lost when they are no longer who they once were.  This is why we should not encase ourselves in false shells of self-identification.  Just because you think you are the cool one, does not mean everyone else see you that way.  Just because you think you are a loser, does not mean everyone else sees you as one.  Just because. . .

                There is another problem with the inherent delusion of self identify.  We act the way we think we should in order to conform into behavior we think others see us as.  I am a good worker, so I should act like a good worker.  I should work hard, never be late, and help everyone.  Other people might see you as sucking up to the boss, trying to make others look bad, and you only help those you like.  Everyone has a different perspective of the person you are, shaped by their life experiences and own sense of identity.  There is not much you can do about the way others see you. First impressions can in prison you for better or worse.

We own four faces, the one we think we are, the one we want to be, the one others see us as, and our true face.  These four faces are in constant fluidity whether we realize or not.  I was a grandson with two fantastic loving grandmothers.  One lived down the road from me and I saw her often.  She helped make me the loving, funny, good man I try to be.   When she died that identity of loving grandson was destroyed and I was set adrift without one of my core identities.  As Hamlet said to be or not to be, that is the question. 

                If you want to be a good person, a healthy person, then be one.  Our identities are nothing more than actions, constantly changing actions.  Our repeated actions get us stuck in ruts so deep that they encase everything we are.  I am not a runner.  I cannot work out.  I am a good person so I can do no wrong.  I am a good student so I can never fail.  These ruts are real in the sense that if we repeatedly use the same neuron pathways every day, then we think a certain way, and it becomes a kin to obsessive-compulsive behaviour.  We have to force ourselves to think differently.     Of course, this is where the bullshit of the whole mid life crisis happens.  We should never allow ourselves to become so comfortable within the warm shell of who we think we that we are incapable of breaking out of it.  I am a loving boyfriend of a mother with three fantastic boys.  This is my identity right now, and I would not change it for anything, yet I try everyday to change that identity.  I try to be a better boyfriend.  I try to be a better role model.  More on this later.