The Impossibility of Ever Reaching the Snooze Button

We should thing about the utter impossibility of reaching the snooze button.  I have one of that alarm clocks, which starts beeping ever so quietly and gets slightly louder with each beep.  Now, here is the thing that I do not get.; My brain hears the beeps and gets my hand to move ever so slowly, or fast depending on the dream, towards the heavenly snooze button, but how do I ever reach it?  This is why I hate math.       

                If the button is a meter away, then at some point in space my hand is going to have to get half way there, which is 30 centimeters.  Before it reaches that, it has to go 15 centimeters.  Before it reaches that point, it has to reach 7.5 centimeters.  Before that, it has to pass the 3.75 cm point.  Long before it reaches that, it has to reach the 1.87500 cm point.  A few more points in time later you are at 73.2421875 microns!  This goes on forever folks.  This is infinity.  This is why there is no reason why your hand should ever be able to reach the snooze button.  So maybe when you wake up, think of the impossibility of it, and stay in bed.  Then again, you have done one impossible thing before you even get out of bed, so once you get up you should be able to doing anything else you might consider impossible.

Story from my childhood with vulgar words and drinking

I was sixteen, still waiting for that growth spurt that would never come, long dried out  hair hanging down to my shoulders, jean vest  hanging over my leather coat, and ripped blue jeans staring out into the dark pitch black sea after midnight starting to sober up.   This was the last beach party at the cottage, early September, and I stood alone while the gang moved downwards to a spot where nobody minded “Pour Some Sugar On Me” Blaring from my monster ghetto blaster.  

                Perhaps your wondering why such a sweet guy like me was sulking by himself  I should tell you what happened before and then I will continue this strange tale.  This was not my best night.  I had my eye on Vicky. She was taller than me, cute, and sassy, and perhaps I had chance with her.   We sat around the bon fire talking, drinking, and telling stories.   We heard someone splashing in the water.

“Get out of the fucking water, man! It’s dangerous at high tide,” Yelled Jason.  He was one of the few sitting by himself. His girlfriend was back home.   He had that cool quiet cocky air about him.  The splashing stopped.

“We could always go skinny dipping, “suggested Vicky shyly.

“Fuck that.  I’m drunk.”  Anthony, who, with his long hair and goatee, reminded me of Jesus.  Ok, a very vulgar Jesus. He had his arms wrapped around Kim trying to keep her warm by feeling her up.  

“That water at night scares me,” Said Kim taking another drink of her beer.

“OK, “I said, “I’ll bite, why? ``

“Don’t get her started man,” Said Anthony, before grunting after getting a shove from Kim.

“Some girl went swimming by herself one night.  They found her body at the lower shore public beach the next day. “

“Bullshit,” Said Vicky nervously, looking at Jason.

“I bullshit you not,” said Kim. “It was in the paper a few years ago.

The smoke was starting to blow my way making my eyes water. 

“No need to get upset Danny, “Laughed Jason.

“Fuck you, “I Cried.

“That freaks me out.  I’m scared, `` Said Vicky moving away from the water nearer the rocks.

This was my chance. Wiping my eyes I moved to be closer to Vicky.  I was going to be her little comforting hero.  I picked up a blanket putting it around her.   She said nothing as I moved in closer.  “Danny, what the hell are you doing? I want Jason to come over here, not you.  Leave fast.” She whispered in my ear which felt numb like the rest of my body.  That is the oddest thing about one’s body and brain. When we feel stressed or in great danger, our body’s immediate reaction is to protect out vital organs so that out blood quickly moves away from the outer regions to the center.  This causes us to feel faint, and feel like we are falling.  I felt like I was falling off a cliff.  A bloodless mouth makes it quite dry. I just sat there trying to calm myself down.  At least the wind had once more shifted the smoke towards me.   I coughed, and then stood up.  

“Hey it getting late and we are below my grandparent’s cottage, how about we move down to the beach and turn up the tunes.  We can make another fire.”

“How about you go fuck yourself” Said Jason, “Just kidding.  There is nobody in my uncle’s cottage, how about we go there and get warm?”               

Everyone agreed. I told them that I would catch up after I told my grandparents where I was going.  This is about the part where we started.  My friend’s silhouettes drifted into the darkness leaving me alone to put out the fire.   I heard splashing in the water.  This scared the crap out of me.

“That’s not funny!” I yelled into the darkness.

“I am sorry for earlier, “came Vicky’s voice.  My night was starting to look up. Reader, no matter how bad your night is going you should never give up all hope.

“That’s ok.   I thought you were scared of the water”

“I was just trying to get that jerks attention.   He told me I should come back here to help you.   So here I am, did you want a hand”  

“Hell yeah,” I said taking off my clothes and getting into the water.  This time of the year was nice, the water was now warmer then the air, once you got yourself into it. The thoughts of a naked Vicky helped as well.   I could barely see her in the moonlight.  When I got close I could hear her giggles and she dived under the water.  She seemed to be under forever while I waited for her to give me a hand.  I heard this strange noise on the shore. I started to feel uneasy, and exposed.   Then I felt her tug on me, which felt good until the tug was so hard that I was being dragged under water.  Call me what you like, but I have a fear of drowning.  I tried to be manly and not scream, but she was playing games and pulling me under the water.  I panicked yelling, “stop that!”  I struggled free and started swimming to shore. “Let’s do this on the beach.” I said

“You fucking pussy” She said. But I didn’t care.  Then I remembered the stranger on shore.  Great they were going to see me coming on shore naked.  Hope it was not some drunk looking for a fight.  Actually, I would rather that, because it could be my grandfather which would be worse.   Ever been tackled in the water?  It’s not fun. We used to play Frisbee tag and tackled each other a lot.  Like football in slow-motion, followed by a period of not breathing.   She tackled me from behind giggling and tried to drag me under.   I felt another hand reach out for me, grab my hand and pull me to shore.

``What the hell are you doing Danny? `   Said Vicky taking me out of the water, ``Why would you try skinny dipping alone you idiot.  I felt bad about earlier so a came back to help you with the fire. `

I did not say a word as I stood shivering. All my blood was needed to just make sure my heart was beating.

pizza Storm

The Rain made almost horizontal by the wind fell in sheets, each drop a bucket of water on my leather coat.  I had managed to park close, but not close enough, to the Atlantic Superstore.  My girl had spent all day cooking at work, and just wanted to relax, and I had been relaxing my whole day off, so when she suggested I drive through the storm to pick up some pizza I was hardly in a position to refuse those emerald eyes, and angelic smile.  There was a line up of weary post-shoppers waiting for their rides to pull up.  See the Pizza had purchased was a n 18 inch in a white cardboard  box laying precariously on a short cart beneath bags of milk, cat food, paper towels, and instant coffee.  I did the only thing I could do, I ran in the rain getting as soaked as a teen singer in a bad music video.  I pushed the cart past ever growing puddles, past blinded cars trying to leave, and over speed bumps never meant for fast moving carts.  I wish I could say that I pulled out my car keys  to press the button to unlock the car before I got there.  Nope.  The worst part was standing there fumbling through all my pockets, like Tasslehoff Burrfoot, looking for keys. Meanwhile, wishing I had worn my rain coat, knowing nobody back home was particularly interested in 18 inches of cold soggy pizza, I was starting to think this might not be a good idea. Finally found the foolish keys and opened the car, shoved everything in side, and then ran to the other side to get drive away. 

The Gum IncidentThe Gum Incident

You hear a lot about the dangers of drinking and driving, or Texting and driving, but what about chewing gum and driving? Now the first two are extremely serious dangers, and, admittedly the third, for most, is a much lesser danger, however, as I found out, chewing gum can develop its own problems if you’re not careful.

My Story begins after a fantastic thanksgiving meal at my girlfriend’s parents place last Monday.   The time was 3 pm, the sun was shining in a way the sun can only shine on a beautiful fall day.   My equally beautiful girlfriend was beside me with her equally shiny blond hair putting the sun to shame, and her son and his girl were in the backseat.  I had some tasty turkey tacked between teeth that threatened to take me over the edge, so I took out some gum and started chewing hoping to dislodge the offending turkey.   No sooner were we out the drive way, then the gang suggested a trip to Tim’s.   Coffee was a great idea. I was kinda tired and had and i was driving for an hour to get back home.. So off to Tim’s we went.   Maybe you can see through hindsight my dilemma, because I had just put the gum in my mouth and did not want to take it out until I got my coffee, and then, for some reason, I wanted to save it.  Looking down at my hot coffee lid, I did what a lot of us do; I put my gum on the lid.  The simple fact of life is that Extra Fresh Gum and Coffee don’t mix well in your mouth.   Second fact of life I soon discovered was that fresh gum overwhelmed the smell of my beloved coffee.   These facts must be understood to understand my next course of action, which was to through the gum out my window.  

                Coffee can be your friend, gum can be your friend, but, I swear, warm gum well you’re driving is never ever your friend.  Not since I had accidentally spited gum out the window, missed, and have it land in my friends long much loved hair, had I been in more trouble with gum.  My girlfriend watched me in disbelief as I picked up the warm gum off my coffee while driving down the road.  I had picked it up with my right hand, farthest from the window and thought to simply transfer the gooey stuff to the other hand only to discover that I now had gum on both hands and I really need to turn the steering wheel so as not to hit another car.  The result was a web of gum between my hand and the steering wheel that looked like cat’s cradle gone mad. Yes sir, it was a web of wanton trouble that spider-man would be amazed by.  I still tried to drive hoping, in the suddenly silent car, that no one had seen my predicament.  My girlfriend finally could take no more, and between a laugh and scream she ordered me to get off the road and clean up my mess.   Luckily I always have wipes in my car.

So that was my first post and this is my second

Dear wonderful glorious reader, welcome to my world of words. Someday your going to find stories, I love telling stories. Other days your going to find anything from vents, opinions, my life, or whatever I feel like writing. This blog will be thought provoking at best, entertaining at least.  We shall see.  Tell your friends. Come gather around my campfire, curl up with blankets and warm drinks, listen, and feel free to comment.

The Universe Hates You

Life sucks.  If you think the universe is out to get you, then your right. The Universe was doing just fine doing and being nothing.  Then came the Big Bang.  Imagine you are driving down the highway on a bright summer's day at dusk.  You are on your way home after a glorious weekend camping on the beach.  A warm weekend spent with close old friends drinking cold beer, swimming in a refreshing cold ocean, listening to tunes, and doing nothing all.  The car is like a cocoon, slightly cool with the air conditioner on, and your favorite music on the radio making you feel perfectly sated.  Then you hear a loud BFB as you get a flat tire.  You slow down to the side of the road, and now you are pissed off at the world.  Existence is the universe's flat tire.

            After the Big Bang the universe has been bent on self-annihilation.  See the possibility of your existence is kind of annoying.  By all rights, all laws of physics, you should not exist.  Entropy, or the second law of thermodynamics, states that the natural order of things is towards chaos or destruction.  Racking up pool balls is unnatural; hitting the balls all over the table is more natural. Want to really piss the universe off, find away to hit a rack of billiards and  have them scatter all over the table, and then come back to rest in a single row three deep .  In spite of this, genes, molecules, coalesced to form you, me, everyone, and, between you and me, the universe finds this bloody unnatural. At some point your body will give into entropy.  At some point the universe is going to kill you. Live with it.  So what's the point of it all? 

            The point is to live a good life and be a good person.   Not in order to get into heaven or some other reward, but because you can be good in spite of everything. . Without getting too anthropomorphic, the universe feels sorry for itself and this seeps into your life.  If the universe is in a constant state of misery why should you be happy?  You get dumped. Your job sucks. You can't get laid or laid off. You’re pretty sure you've made a perfect ass of yourself today.  Whatever.  Why should you be content? Why should you be happy? Simple. You should be because you can choose to be happy.  Ever see "Cool Hand Luke"?  A man  refuses to conform to life in a rural prison  The big dog in the prison  gives  the S.O.B. a beating.  Instead of proving himself the tougher man, Dragline realizes that no matter how much, how hard, he beats Luke down, Luke keeps stumbling up to his feet, refusing to stay down.

 [Dragline has repeatedly knocked Luke down during a boxing match]

Dragline: Stay down. You're beat.

Luke: You're gonna hafta kill me...
[struggles back to his feet]

            No matter what the universe does to you, just keep getting up. Smile, no matter how bad life gets, never stay down. Another scene had Luke imprisoned in the jail’s outside sweatbox, and talks to god. 

Luke: Anybody here? Hey, Old Man. You home tonight? Can You spare a minute. It's about time we had a little talk. I know I'm a pretty evil fellow... killed people in the war and got drunk... and chewed up municipal property and the like. I know I got no call to ask for much... but even so, You've got to admit You ain't dealt me no cards in a long time. It's beginning to look like You got things fixed so I can't never win out. Inside, outside, all of them... rules and regulations and bosses. You made me like I am. Now just where am I supposed to fit in? Old Man, I gotta tell You. I started out pretty strong and fast. But it's beginning to get to me. When does it end? What do You got in mind for me? What do I do now? Right. All right. [Gets on knees, closes eyes and begins to pray] On my knees, asking. [pause] Yeah, that's what I thought. I guess I'm pretty tough to deal with, huh? A hard case. Yeah. I guess I gotta find my own way.

Dragline: Luke?

Luke: [Shakes head and smiles] Is that Your answer, Old Man? I guess You're a hard case, too.

 You could be miserable.  Why not feel miserable?  The Universe seems to want you to feel bad, misery seems to be the natural state of things.  Just like the Big bang  started expanding existence outwards from the size of a pea under several comfortable mattresses to what we see now, eventually everything will collapse in on itself like a massive black hole.  In the end, everything is going to suck.  But for now, for right now, your alive and every breath pisses off that miserable son of a verse.  Every smile, every good turn done in the face of countless bad turns, is a big middle finger to the universe.

 Of course, that is just how I see things.